Thoughts on My Transsexuality by Kalina Isato

It's taken me many years to finally come to grips with what I am. For years, people knew me as a fabulous crossdresser, one of the elite, a "transsexual killer" when it came time to compare who looked more like a woman than whom. I was the anomaly because when people would say "there ain't no crossdresser who can totally look like a woman," the answer would invariably be "well, you haven't seen Kalina yet."

But there was always more to the "dressing up" than that. I took my art to the extreme. Not only did I want to look like a woman, I wanted to be a woman. I always wanted to be a woman for as long as I could remember. Instead, I chose a path that many chose. Some say it's a safe path and there are those envious souls who would dare scoff at my choices in life. My "safe path" gave me a loving spouse and two beautiful children. Many transsexuals in the community acknowledge my family and praise my good fortune.

I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too, so I did everything I possibly could to be the best woman I could be whenever I could be. But that was not enough. Every time I succeeded in reaching a milestone, I moved the goal further and further along. Was it HRT that was my first step toward womanhood, the first step that clearly defined my transsexual status?

No. There were things stirring in my mind before that. I never felt comfortable with myself as a teenager. I took refuge in books. Learning was my thing. I knew from an early age that being the best at what I do was the key to getting out of my crazy parents' house, out of Brooklyn, and out of a mundane life. That's why I always stress the importance of education and finishing school. I love seeing people better themselves and learn how to do things on their own.

Transsexuality is about more than being a woman. It's about accepting yourself as who you are. In a sense, we aren't women by the societal definition of what women are. Many people will not and will never accept us as women and that's okay because I've come to the conclusion that transsexuals have to be something more than just women. They have to be their own person. Many transsexuals don't understand this, so they try to be what society wants them to be, a stereotype of a woman devoid of the kinds of things that make them unique.

Conformity was never in my belief system. Many crossdressers follow a routine and have a uniform. If you are not part of the "Water Buffaloes," you're not part of the club and it's a club I'd rather not be a member of. It makes me sad to hear other tgirls ask me "So where are your nails?" or "Why don't you wear high heels and stockings?" or "Why don't you wear a wig anymore?" all the while not realizing that the kinds of things that hinder their progress are the long red fetish nails, the sky-high stilettos, and the long wigs in yesterday's styles. These crossdressers are unwilling to make changes to improve their appearance or try something new.

Transsexuals are no strangers to routine, either. Despite severely receding hairlines, many transsexuals opt to create hairstyles that sweep their hair back rather than forward to show onlookers that "yes, hair is growing from my own scalp because it's all my own hair." I find transsexual hair styles to be quite stagnant. They find one good look and wear it for a long time because that's what they think genetic girls do. Despite very masculine features, they may wear very little makeup because they see genetic women wearing very little makeup. Some get caught up in trends a little too much like those transsexuals who wear really long French manicured nails like JLo.

I've never really stuck to a routine. I've always tried to put myself on the cutting edge, creating different looks every week and experimenting to see what works and what doesn't. People say I have beautiful features and I always try to use those features to my advantage. If someone isn't genetically predisposed to be a woman, I never use that against them. It's ignorant and stupid to start wars like that in our community. I do find, however, that those transsexuals who are not genetically predisposed to be women usually have a harder time integrating themselves into society and that, in turn, may lead to frustration, envy, and even hatred towards those who are genetically predisposed.

I'm far from perfect and far from most people's conception of the ideal woman, but that's okay because I've learned to love myself and that's something that most people - transgender or not - cannot comprehend. I don't really preach tolerance. I preach striving to be better than what you are now. In effect, you are always a student striving to learn and experience the great truths that can only make you a better person overall. Know your flaws and fix them. Know thyself. Smile and show the world that, even though you are different, you are a human being, too. That is the essence of being a transsexual.